His Mission: Make half a billion dollars and sell some Audis.
I’m not an idiot. I know that studios don’t really care about making good movies anymore. All they really care about is getting my hard earned money from my pocket. The only thing I hope for from movies like “Iron Man 2″ is that they at least try to hide it. Pretend like you care about story. Pretend like you care about the audience. That is all I ask. “Iron Man” cared. It was a great super hero movie. I loved it. But “Iron Man 2″ didn’t seem to give a shit.
Let’s put it in perspective. Seeing “Iron Man” was like paying for a prostitute who provided a girlfriend experience. You pick her up, she pretends that you’re the only guy in the world, and she even kisses on the mouth. “Iron Man 2″ is more like a common street walker. She’ll go back to your place. She let you do your thing, but all she cares about is getting it over with so she can get back on the street and screw some other guys.
Well, I want the girlfriend experience when I go to the movies. Watching “Iron Man 2″ was just like paying someone for mediocre sex. Every other scene was an Audi ad. Scarlett Johansson, Samuel L. Jackson, and everything to do with S.H.I.E.L.D. served absolutely no purpose in the story. Everything they brought to the film could have been summed up with one line. The only reason it was written was to promote “The Avengers” movie coming out next year. That’s it. It was dumb and insulting.
Mickey Rourke was underutilized. Mickey Rourke is an amazing actor. That is a fact. He is also scary as fuck. So here we are, Robert Downey, Jr., also an amazing actor, as the good guy and Mickey Rourke as a potentially scary as fuck bad guy. Two greats going head to head. But it didn’t happen. Why?
Here’s how I imagine director Jon Favreau, and writer Justin Theroux discussing the script:
JUSTIN: I think we have some great potential with these two actors to create a very effective villain/hero dynamic.
JON: I agree, but wouldn’t it be cooler if we added Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlet Johansson?
JUSTIN: What? Why?
JON: I don’t know. Just thought it would be cool.
JUSTIN: But what about Mickey Fucking Rourke. I mean come on…
JON: That’s true but Sam yells a lot. And this time he’d have an eye patch. Oh and Scar has great tits. Have you seen them? They’re great.
JUSTIN: I don’t know Jon, this sounds like a waste of talent.
JON: Waste? Scarlett’s tits have a ton of talent. Like double D talent.
Justin thinks about it for a second.
JUSTIN: Okay, let’s do it.
And boom “Iron Man 2″ was born. Tits always trump story and logic. I hope Favreau’s next project is a reboot of “Porky’s”. I think he could really fuck that up too.
I’d sum up the plot for you but there really isn’t one. Basically Stark is dying from his own invention. His chest battery thingy. He tries to hide it by being even more egotistical than ever. He drinks and takes the Iron Man technology for granted. Meanwhile, Rourke is trying to kill him because Tony’s dad screwed over Rourke’s dad a billion years ago. That’s the first ten minutes of the movie.
The second act of the film is about Tony getting closer and closer to death until miraculously Big Tits McGee (Scarlett) comes to the rescue with Nick Fury (Screaming Sammy J.) to rescue him and cryptically lead him to his father’s secrets.
Okay, so maybe it sounds like there’s a plot, but that’s only because I’m an amazing blogger. The second act had very little driving the story along. It was stagnant. There was no Iron Man either. Iron Man was really only in the beginning and a lot more in the very unsatisfying finale.
I had so much hope for this movie. There are so few films that really entertain anymore. I had hoped this franchise might have maintained the fun, but instead everyone involved has become nothing more than common whores.
