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January 2010

Remember When J.J. Abrams is a Character Raper

January 20, 2010

I love Rocky. I love Rambo. I love Lethal Weapon. And guess what, I enjoyed aaaalllll of their sequels. Has this revelation lowered my approval ratings to Barack Obama levels? Let’s hope not. Wait, not hope. I try not to use that word anymore. Basically I’m a sucker for a sequel. I like movie adaptations [...]

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Black Beard Explains How Novels Differ From Derivative Financial Instruments

January 19, 2010

Since the United States economy nearly collapsed in 2008, economics and finance have become a hobby of mine (if you’re interested, Frontline offers a good explanation of how the economy fell apart, here, and This American Life has an amazing story about what led up to the breaking point, here.) In studying what happened, I’ve become [...]

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2010 Golden Globe Predictions and Winners

January 17, 2010

The Golden Globes are a little over an hour away. I waited until the last minute to post my picks. So check them out and tell me what I got wrong.

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The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus Unable to Overcome the Death of It’s Star

January 17, 2010

Doctor Parnassus is a couple thousand years old and he has a drinking problem. Oh and a gambling problem too. His biggest problem is that he only gambles with the devil. His 16 year-old daughter is up for grabs in his latest bet. He has only a few days to capture five souls so he [...]

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How Landmark E Street Cinema in Washington, DC Pissed All Over My Childhood

January 16, 2010

There are important moments in every body’s childhood. Like the first time you shit in the toilet and not your pants. For me a big moment was the first time I watched The Neverending Story and each subsequent viewing there after. I asked my mom about my love of the movie. “Whenever you saw that [...]

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Black Beard’s Review of Books No One Wants to Read: War and Peace

January 14, 2010

I love long books by good writers.  I love being invested in something long and complicated and ultimately rewarding.  In fact, when I’m reading something I enjoy and it ends at less than four hundred pages, I feel a little cheated.  This, however, is only true of novels.  I hate long movies.  I’m one of [...]

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The Devil Tries to Distance Himself From Pat Robertson

January 14, 2010

In a bit of Haitian earthquake news, Pat Robertson revealed that the reason for the disaster was that the Haitians had traded their souls to the devil in exchange for expelling the French. I was fortunate enough to speak with the devil this morning. “No way can he pin this one on me. Pat Robertson’s [...]

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Black Beard’s Review of Books No One Wants to Read: Hell’s Angels

January 12, 2010

Hunter Thompson’s Hell’s Angels, despite its title, is not a book about the Hell’s Angels group.  It’s a book about the difference between perception and reality, and the Angels are merely the conduit through which Thompson explores the dichotomy, conducting a systematic exploration of the misconceptions 1960s America had about the Angels, motorcycles, and the [...]

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Daybreakers Fails to Save the Vampire Genre from Twilight

January 11, 2010

I love vampire movies. I mean love them. I am not a crazy, obsessed vampire fanatic but I love the genre. Whenever I come across The Lost Boys I stop it and I watch it.  Part of that is my completely unexplainable love for Kiefer Sutherland. I don’t know why but I’d love it if [...]

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Crazy Heart: When Mediocre Casts Attack Not Even Jeff Bridges Can Protect Us

January 10, 2010

Akira Kurosawa said that even a great director couldn’t make a great film from a mediocre script. However, he never said what would happen to a great script with mediocre actors. I guess he couldn’t predict the coming of Crazy Heart. Don’t be misled by that statement. Not everyone in the film was bad. In [...]

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